WRITERS AND THEIR WORKS

If You Must Die

It was a long sleepless night, choked with emotion-anguish, anger, fear and a fierce determination. The first cock marked for her the wakeful hours she had struggled through the much later, she heard it again. When a pre-dawn breeze began to blow, she got up abruptly from her bed and opened the window overlooking the garden, pleasantly cool under the moon in marked contrast to the feverish turmoil within herself.

As she stared vacantly into the distance, she recalled another night in happier circumstances, and, perhaps somewhat recklessly, she had spent with Prakash huddled behind a heavy rose bush down in the garden. When a cloud eclipsed the moon, she had playfully crept behind a huge earthen water pitcher and thrown a flower at him. How he had startled!

Now, it was all a faint memory, like a dream. She heaved a long sigh and leaned against the window.

When, after their happy hours together, Prakash was climbing over the wall, she had held him by his hand and said, "Promise?"

Taken aback, Prakash had said with a tinge of annoyance, "You still don't believe me?"

Yes, she believed in Prakash, not at once but gradually over a long period of time as he went to school and passed the matriculation examination. He had managed to steer himself away from the bad influence in his life-the local fellows and the pretty wenches. His elder brother too had confirmed it to her, "Now, he seems to have taken a proper path."

Prakash was too sweet and handsome. And he was bold. She knew she had yet to learn much in school as well as out of it. She had reminded herself as well: "Let him complete his study. There is plenty of time. Neither of us are old enough anyway."

But, how wrong she had been! Prakash was not merely content in pursuing his study and improving his own condition, but he had to move within a closed circle of friends with an aura of mystery about them. It became well nigh impossible to understand him. When she told him he was going astray again he had puzzled her by saying: "We have misunderstood each other. Remember, I have chosen a path designed to lead us to a happy future. I have nothing to do with the present." She had expected him to retort: "Well, I can't help it if you don't want me. I'll get drunk and go to the prostitutes."

She remembered the uneasiness she had felt then. Only God knew what she had done for his sake. If only it was in her power, she would have kept a constant watch over him; a nameless but genuine fear told her that he was moving towards a disaster. His own mother and brother also sensed that a precious life was being wasted. She had yearned to give him a proper home where he would be protected and none of his family need suffer.

After that night in the garden, Prakash failed to come for five long days, days she had lived in fear and despair, and then came the word that he had landed in jail. He had done what she had always feared he would do, get himself arrested for a nebulous cause. That was the end of the road, she had thought, but she was heartened when Prakash wrote to her from the jail, "I am fine…."

During the imprisonment, she had sent him food and cigarettes and anything else that he desired. She even sold her gold ring and got money from her father on the pretext of buying books for herself in order to fulfil his needs. Oh, why couldn't he just help his brother to run their home and bring some comfort and joy to his aged mother, who in her sadness, daily remembered her dear old dead husband? Oh, why didn't he think of his brother's children, with their pinched look and unappeased hunger, as his own ward too? She had asked in great anguish while he languished behind the bars.

She had dreamed of making Prakash a great man. He was clever enough and would certainly rise high if he only cared about himself. She knew her parents would never let her marry Prakash but she took comfort in the thought that they could go away somewhere, even out of the country, and remain there until he had achieved some success and respectability.

The day Prakash was released from jail was a memorable one, but her happiness was short lived, for her parents had chosen then to think of marrying her to someone else. Ramesh, whom they believed was suitable for her, belonged to a rich family and apparently he loved her too, for learning that she had passed her high school examination he went out of his way to go to India and pass the same examination.

She believed that Ramesh did not really need her; backed by his wealth, he could marry anyone else. Prakash however needed her more than ever, for he had to learn to stand by himself and she meant him to do just that. She loved Prakash and she could also do anything for him.

When she made an effort to protest, her father silenced her with a reprimand directed at himself as well as her. "Only the blind send their daughters to school these days", he had said. "All they learn is to adopt the latest fashion in dress and they run away and live with someone, regardless of their parents' feelings."

And yet Prakash had accused her of abandoning him. He said that she had not cared enough for him. She had not visited him in jail. She had betrayed him and accepted a person like Ramesh. He had judged her most unfairly and insulted her.

Prakash had changed, she felt then; he was no longer the man she had known and desired and loved. His life in jail had hardened him, she thought yet kindly of him. But she also felt that for all her love, she would now fail to cast him in her own mould. She was also certain that neither would he be able to mould her after himself. A great despair overwhelmed her, for he was jealous and full of hatred.

In her own deep, albeit selfish, love for him, she had not expected him to hate her. Against his hatred, she was helpless. She would only regret and retreat, but finding herself driven against the wall, she became determined to get even with Prakash by marrying Ramesh. With great effort she dismissed the haunting image of Prakash and with an equal effort she willed herself to love Ramesh instead. One of these days, she said to herself, Prakash would come grovelling to Ramesh.

Prakash had called her a weak woman. "Let him watch, nay, let the whole world witness it, "she said with a fierce determination. Prakash had been a challenge to her. She had accepted him with love and alacrity. But he had now questioned her love and taunted her.
Ramesh shall be what she had wanted Prakash to be, a man of some consequence in the world. She quoted a proverb to herself, "If you must die, die with your legs straight."

"All right, I will stretch out my legs," she said with finality.

She did not know when she returned to her bed but the day was far advanced when she woke up.

Print This Page